September 13th, 2011 (10:13 pm)
current location: couch
current mood: discontent
Dear O me o my. This right here is the face of boredom. I lack motivation.
Half monster rehab and half mountain dew, make a super awesome delicious drink...its great. Really. Makes one very terrible colour.
I had an interesting four hour conversation with devin last night. Extra weird because we barely even talk that long at once when we are with each other for an entire day.
I've been increasingly worried about the stability and outlook of our relationship, He's distant and depressed a great deal of the time and it tends to take a toll on me. I rarely feel hes there for me, ever, whenever I need him he decides that he needs time to himself and will start a 3 or 4 day period of radio silence. I end up with this feeling of loneliness that I can't shake, We can spend an entire week together at times and by the end of every day I have this feeling like I'd just spend the day alone staring at the walls. Other days are great and we get along great we laugh we talk we snuggle its a good time. Some weeks are better than others. And I feel alot of it has to do with his bipolar-ness. But it definately takes a toll on me. In some of the worst ways. I feel like giving up, Theres no way that I can deal with all this for the rest of my life and whats the point of keeping this all going when it can't last. It seems as though I'm wasting my time, talking to a brick wall most of the time. I adore him, don't get me wrong he's an amazing man. And now during this whole conversation yesterday, he tells me he loves me and that he wants to move out of state with me (complicated because of my divorce and son) but that he got huge ideas for the future. His dream: to put a town on the map. Sounds great and then he tells me that he wants to do this partially because he wants to be great for me, and for damien. Its all great and awesome and all that stuff. But the price of this is untold. And he assures me that if he's got something go for himself his demeanor will chanage. Obviously I can't believe that, I've heard it all before. Not from him, but from my ex, possibly exes, I'm not sure if not something quite similiar. And who knows he could be right. And now, theres an excuse for his current attitude. He claims that it becuase he had toomuch time on his hands since he was fired, hes become too lazy living off enemployment and it's in turn changing his personality into something he doesn't like. He asked me if he had been able to keep his job at the gas station or if he had gotten another job straight away or gone to school right afterwards if things would have been different. . He admited that he feels that our problem are his fault. I told him no, that its probably both of us, I'm not always the easiest person to deal with. He said he wants to spend the rest of our lives together...sounds like fun. But by now I know better.
Oh well sounds great now, but I won't hold my breath. And well have to see how well these notions stick later this week. Or once he's had soem good sleep and sobered up atleast. He's no alcoholic, but there are others chemicals at work.
Damie drew this picture at school I'm super proud of him.
It's spiderman...with his suit on, and that big black spot is the simbiote (sp?) going to get him.